Receiving an Adult Neurodivergent Diagnosis: What Now?

For years, I thought I was just bad at life. I was always exhausted after social interactions, struggling with tasks that seemed easy for everyone else, constantly battling a sense of not quite fitting in. I was always working twice as hard just to keep up, but no matter how much effort I put in, it never felt like enough.

Then, at the age of 34, I sat in a room being assessed for autism. Not because I had spent my life questioning whether I was neurodivergent, but because of my son.

He was six years old when he was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism. The moment they described his traits, I didn’t see a child who was different—I saw myself. I had never questioned his behaviour because, to me, it was normal. It was how I had always been. The world seemed too loud for him, he struggled with transitions, he had an all-or-nothing approach to attention, and his emotions often overwhelmed him. None of this seemed unusual. But when professionals described his challenges, I realised I had spent my life adapting, compensating, and masking, never realising that I was doing things differently.

Like so many other parents of my generation, my child’s diagnosis was the reason I finally sought my own.

The Hidden Neurodivergence of Adulthood

Many of us who were diagnosed in adulthood didn’t realise we were struggling in ways that weren’t typical—we just assumed we were failing. The idea that we might be neurodivergent wasn’t even on the table because we had spent our entire lives believing that everyone found life as exhausting and confusing as we did. We were just the ones who couldn’t handle it.

So why weren’t we diagnosed sooner?

A lot of it comes down to outdated diagnostic criteria. When we were children, autism was still associated with young, mostly non-speaking boys who had obvious social and communication challenges. ADHD was seen as hyperactive boys bouncing off the walls. Girls, quiet kids, and high-masking individuals slipped through the cracks. If you weren’t “disruptive,” you weren’t on the radar.

By the time we reached adulthood, we had learned to blend in—to suppress our traits, to mimic others, to create workarounds for executive dysfunction, and to internalise every struggle as a personal failing. The word “masking” wasn’t in our vocabulary; we just knew that existing in the world was exhausting, and we didn’t know why.

The Moment of Diagnosis: Relief, Grief, and Everything In Between

Being diagnosed as an adult is not just about finally getting an answer. It’s an unravelling.

For me, there was relief—understanding my brain meant I could stop blaming myself. It explained the sensory overload, the social burnout, the way I fixated on specific topics, the constant internal tug-of-war between needing structure and resisting it. But alongside that relief was something else.

Grief.

Grief for the child who was told to just try harder. Grief for the teen who couldn’t understand why friendships felt so complicated. Grief for the adult who lost jobs because of things that seemed so easy for everyone else—remembering to return calls, keeping up with small talk, managing unstructured tasks. Grief for all the times I had pushed myself to the brink of burnout because I thought struggling meant I wasn’t trying hard enough.

Many late-diagnosed adults experience this mix of emotions. A 2022 study published in Autism in Adulthood found that adults diagnosed later in life often go through a period of deep self-reflection, re-evaluating past experiences through their new understanding. Some feel validated, while others struggle with resentment—wondering how different their lives could have been if they had known sooner.

What No One Tells You About Being Diagnosed as an Adult

One of the biggest misconceptions about adult diagnosis is that it comes with support.

In childhood, a diagnosis might lead to educational accommodations, therapy options, or early intervention strategies. In adulthood? You get a letter confirming what you already suspected and… that’s it. No follow-up. No roadmap. No structured guidance on how to unmask safely or navigate life with this new understanding.

This is where so many newly diagnosed adults feel lost. The world still expects you to function as you always have, but now you know why it’s so hard. The expectation is that you’ll just carry on as before—but how can you, when you’ve just realised that most of your life has been spent adapting to a world that wasn’t designed for you?

For many, post-diagnosis struggles include:

• Feeling invalidated by professionals – Many therapists and doctors are not trained in neurodivergence in adults and may dismiss struggles as “not severe enough” to warrant support.

• Lack of accommodations – Employers may not understand why an adult suddenly needs adjustments they’ve never asked for before.

• Navigating relationships with new understanding – Some friends and family embrace the diagnosis; others dismiss it (“but you’ve always been fine before!”).

• Mental health challenges – Many late-diagnosed adults experience depression and anxiety, often exacerbated by years of undiagnosed neurodivergence and masking.

How Diagnosis Impacts Family, Work, and Relationships

A late diagnosis doesn’t just change how you see yourself—it shifts how you interact with the world.

• Family – For parents, a diagnosis often comes with a wave of understanding (and sometimes guilt). Many start seeing neurodivergent traits in their own children or recognising that their own parents may have been undiagnosed.

• Work – Suddenly, past struggles in the workplace make sense—why open-plan offices were unbearable, why job transitions felt so overwhelming, why certain tasks felt impossible even though you were “smart enough” to do them. But requesting accommodations as an adult can be tricky, especially if employers aren’t neurodivergent-informed.

• Friendships & relationships – Social exhaustion, rejection sensitivity, and communication differences become clearer, but explaining these to others isn’t always easy. Some relationships grow stronger with understanding; others fade away when people don’t accept the new reality.

What Needs to Change?

Neuroaffirming Post-Diagnosis Support

• Adults need structured post-diagnosis guidance, including coaching, occupational therapy, and community support.

• More resources should be available to help late-diagnosed individuals understand their neurotype and how to unmask safely.

Increased Awareness in Healthcare and Mental Health Services

• Many professionals still lack training in adult neurodivergence, leading to misdiagnosis or dismissal.

• Therapy approaches should be adapted to suit neurodivergent needs rather than assuming neurotypical models work for everyone.

Workplace and Social Accommodations

• Employers need education on how to support neurodivergent employees.

• Accommodations should be normalised and accessible, even for those who have masked their struggles for years.

Community and Peer Support

• Online and in-person neurodivergent-led communities are often the only source of validation and practical guidance for late-diagnosed adults.

• Society needs to move beyond the idea that neurodivergence is only relevant in childhood—adults need just as much recognition and support.

Being diagnosed as neurodivergent in adulthood isn’t the end of the journey—it’s the start of a whole new chapter. It’s a process of unlearning, of re-evaluating the past, of figuring out how to exist in the world with this new understanding.

There’s grief, frustration, and exhaustion—but there’s also relief, clarity, and finally, permission to be yourself.

For those on this journey: you are not alone. Your struggles are valid, your experiences matter, and even if the system isn’t built to support you, there is a community that understands. Finding your place in it may take time, but one thing is certain—you were never broken. You were just misunderstood. And now, finally, you get to understand yourself.