The Silent Struggles of Neurodivergent Children: What Goes Unnoticed?

Many neurodivergent children navigate a world that misunderstands their behaviours, challenges, and unique ways of thinking. Because their struggles often don’t fit common stereotypes of Autism or ADHD, they can be dismissed as personality quirks, poor discipline, or emotional immaturity. This leads to missed diagnoses, unnecessary struggles, and an internalised sense of “something is wrong with me.”

Studies show that girls, high-masking children, and those with a mix of Autism and ADHD (AuDHD) are particularly likely to go unnoticed (Lai et al., 2015). The effects of unrecognised neurodivergence can be profound, affecting self-esteem, academic performance, emotional regulation, and mental health. This article explores the hidden struggles that often get overlooked, helping parents, educators, and caregivers see beyond the surface.

The Child Who “Seems Fine” but Struggles in Silence

One of the biggest misconceptions about neurodivergent children is that if they aren’t visibly struggling, they must be okay. In reality, many children become experts at masking their traits—adapting their behaviour to fit social expectations while experiencing intense internal distress.

Example: A child who is described as quiet and well-behaved at school may come home and have emotional meltdowns due to sensory and social exhaustion (Mandy & Tchanturia, 2015). This is often misunderstood as being “difficult at home” rather than a sign of burnout.

Why it goes unnoticed: The assumption that a child’s school behaviour reflects their overall wellbeing. High-masking children internalise their struggles, leading to anxiety, depression, and eventual burnout.

The Socially “Quirky” Child Who Is Constantly Misunderstood

Social struggles in neurodivergent children don’t always mean isolation or obvious difficulty making friends. Instead, their challenges can appear as:

• Being “too intense” in friendships, overwhelming others with their enthusiasm.

• Talking excessively about their special interests, without recognising when others lose interest.

• Taking things literally, struggling with sarcasm or subtle jokes.

• Mimicking peers to fit in, but feeling disconnected inside.

Example: A child who eagerly joins group activities but struggles to follow unspoken social rules might find themselves repeatedly excluded. They may not understand why friendships seem to work one day and fall apart the next.

Why it goes unnoticed: Because they aren’t completely isolated, their difficulties are blamed on personality rather than neurodivergence (Sedgewick et al., 2019).

The “Smart but Scattered” Child Who Struggles with Daily Tasks

Many neurodivergent children excel in specific areas but struggle with basic executive functioning tasks. This paradox often leads to frustration from parents and teachers, who can’t understand how a child can be brilliant at memorising facts but unable to remember their homework.

Signs of hidden executive dysfunction:

• Losing personal items daily.

• Starting but never finishing tasks.

• Struggling with time management—either hyper-focusing or procrastinating.

• Forgetting multi-step instructions.

Example: A child who can discuss complex scientific theories but can’t organise their school bag may be labelled as “lazy” or “not trying hard enough.” In reality, their brain struggles with executive functioning, making planning and organisation exhausting (Brown, 2009).

Why it goes unnoticed: Intelligence is often mistaken for capability, leading to assumptions that if they can do something, they should be able to do it all the time.

The Emotionally Intense Child Who Feels Everything Deeply

Neurodivergent children often experience emotions in extremes—something that can be mistaken for mood swings, overreacting, or defiance. Many struggle with alexithymia (difficulty identifying emotions) and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), which makes criticism feel overwhelming (Kessler et al., 2005).

Signs of emotional dysregulation in neurodivergent children:

• Strong, immediate emotional reactions to small setbacks.

• Difficulty calming down once upset.

• Shutting down or becoming non-verbal when overwhelmed.

• Appearing indifferent to emotions, then having intense delayed reactions later.

Example: A child might seem unaffected after being excluded from a group, only to burst into tears at home hours later because their brain processed the emotions much later than expected.

Why it goes unnoticed: Many assume emotional regulation is purely a matter of “self-control”, rather than recognising it as a neurological process that develops differently in neurodivergent individuals.

The Child Who Is “Well-Behaved” but Struggles Internally

Many neurodivergent children—especially girls—develop a deep fear of making mistakes or being seen as “different.” They become perfectionists, people-pleasers, or rule-followers, suppressing their true selves to avoid criticism (Hull et al., 2020).

Signs of hidden perfectionism and anxiety:

• Over-apologising and avoiding risks.

• Becoming distressed over minor mistakes (e.g., erasing their homework multiple times).

• Obsessively following rules, even when unnecessary.

• Pretending to be fine when struggling.

Example: A child who excels academically but is emotionally exhausted may struggle with anxiety and self-doubt behind the scenes. Their perfectionism means they work twice as hard just to keep up with their peers.

Why it goes unnoticed: Since these children often achieve good grades and avoid causing disruptions, their struggles are dismissed as “just being a little anxious” rather than signs of neurodivergence.

Why Recognising These Struggles Matters

When neurodivergent children’s challenges are misunderstood or overlooked, they may grow up believing that their struggles are personal failings rather than differences in how their brain works. This can lead to:

⚠ Anxiety, depression, and self-doubt.

⚠ Burnout from excessive masking and overcompensation.

⚠ Delayed or missed support, leading to greater difficulties in adulthood.

By learning to see beyond the surface, we can:

• Identify support needs early and create environments where neurodivergent children thrive.

• Help children embrace their strengths and differences, rather than feel ashamed of them.

• Validate their struggles and experiences, so they don’t feel like they are constantly “failing” at things that come naturally to others.

Neurodivergent children don’t always stand out in obvious ways. Some are introverted daydreamers, others are outspoken and passionate, and many fall somewhere in between. Their silent struggles don’t mean they aren’t trying hard enough—it means they experience the world differently.

By recognising these subtle but important challenges, we take the first step toward understanding, supporting, and celebrating them as they are.

References

• Brown, T. E. (2009). Attention Deficit Disorder: The Unfocused Mind in Children and Adults. Yale University Press.

• Hull, L., Mandy, W., Lai, M. C., et al. (2020). “Development and validation of the Camouflaging Autistic Traits Questionnaire.” Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 50(6), 2240–2252.

• Kessler, R. C., Adler, L., Barkley, R., et al. (2005). “The prevalence and correlates of adult ADHD in the United States.” American Journal of Psychiatry, 162(4), 706-713.

• Lai, M. C., Lombardo, M. V., & Baron-Cohen, S. (2015). “Autism.” The Lancet, 383(9920), 896-910.

• Mandy, W., & Tchanturia, K. (2015). “Do women with autism spectrum disorder camouflaging their autism?” Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 45(9), 2863–2874.

• Sedgewick, F., Hill, V., Yates, R., et al. (2019). “Gender differences in the social motivation and friendship experiences of autistic and neurotypical adolescents.” Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(2), 891–904.